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Dirty Funny jokes – There’s lots of funny stuff online, but sometimes it takes something pretty gross to get us laughing. Here are the best dirty jokes we’ve found online. Enjoy! They’re guaranteed to make you laugh, and may even cause you to fall off your chair laughing.
Enjoy the best dirty jokes below. These double meaning jokes in English for adults will set you apart in any crowd, on any occasion. Comment with your favorite dirty joke from the list that works on any occasion.
Dirty Wife, Girlfriend, Dating Jokes
A man goes to his wife and says: ‘Darling, we are partners. We have been since we got married. We
shared the good times, so now there’s a problem, and I’m hoping we can share that too.’ ‘What’s
the problem?’ she asks. ‘We got our secretary pregnant and she’s suing us for support.’
One day there was a husband and wife and they had little kids and they decided to disguise the word sexual intercourse as washing machine. One night the husband rolls over and says washing machine, washing machine, but the wife says “No not tonight dear” Again 10 minutes later the husband rolls over again and says washing machine, washing machine, but the wife says “No not tonight!”. 10 minutes later the wife rolls over and goes okay washing machine, but the husband says “Nah its ok, it was a small load so i did it by hand”
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Q: What is the difference between women and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn’t follow you around for two weeks after you put a load into it
A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, “Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?” The boyfriend says, “Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again.”
My girlfriend says she’s binary. It’s true, you can only get two digits in her.
A young couple is staying at a nudist campsite. ‘When I tell you I love you,’ asks the young
man, ‘why do you always lower your eyes?’
‘To see if it’s true.’
Dirty Sexual Jokes
Larry the accountant gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says “Where in the hell have you been?”
He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo.”
A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”
“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,” he said proudly.
“What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head in disdain. “Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”
“Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow.
And two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”
A priest was getting ready to hear confessions one day when he got a terrible attack of diarrhea, so he asked the altar boy to take over for him.
“But I don’t know how to hear confessions,” said the altar boy.
“It’s easy,” said the priest, “You’ve seen me do it many times. Nobody will know the difference.”
So the altar boy was in the confession booth when a man came in and sat down on the other side.
“Father, I don’t know what to do,” the man said. “Last night my wife and I were in bed. She was sleeping and I rolled her over and fucked her in the ass. I feel bad about it, but I don’t know how to make it up to her.”
“That’s easy,” said the altar boy. “Just give her milk & cookies like the priest gives me.”
What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes you hole weak.
A man witnessed a rape and was called to testify in court. The Judge asked him, “What did you you see sir?”
The man replied, ” I stood at the window and looked in m’Lord. They were fucking!”
The judge stopped him and reminded him that they were in a court of law and he needed to choose his words more carefully.
The man stood and thought for a while and replied:
“His shirt was up, his arse was bare.
His balls were hanging in the air.
He put his u know what into her u know where.
Now if that s not fucking m’Lord…. i wasn’t there.”
Sex is like wrestling. You would rather the other person go down than you!
What is the difference between herpes and true love? Herpes lasts forever.
Dirty Minded and Filthy Jokes
A young man went into a house of ill repute with $20. The Madam told him there was nothing available at the moment. So he started to leave but she stopped him and said for that amount she had something different he might be interested in. She said he could try it with a chicken. He said no way; but she talked him into trying it and if he didn’t like it he wouldn’t have to pay anything.
So he agreed to it and she took him into a little room with the chicken. After he finished, he told her that was the most disgusting thing he ever did and wanted his money back.
The next week he went back with $30. Again he was told that nothing was available for that amount. But as he turned to leave the madam told him she had something different that he might enjoy. He said no way, not the chicken. And she said no, there were two lesbians at work in a room and he could watch them through a one-way mirror.
He liked the idea and was led into a room with about 30 other people watching through a one way mirror. After about 20 minutes – he poked the guy next to him and said “This is pretty good.” The guy said, “Yeah but it ain’t nothing – you should have been here last week when a guy was in there with a chicken.”
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Woman came to the market and got in line with two other women at the counter with cucumbers. The first woman says: “I’ll take this long and thin”. Another said: “I pack a couple of shorter but thicker if possible”. Finally she comes on line shop assistant spoke to her saying: What is that you want mam?
“You will give me kilogram of cucumbers please” she said…
“Which will it be smaller, bigger, rough, smooth… ?” seller asked…
“It does not matter dear I need it for a salad”
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air and then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after much trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, ‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?’
The father replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, I’d say, our son-in-law
What’s the difference between hard and light?
You can sleep with a light on.
If you were born in September, it’s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
Man and his wife are fishing and they’ve taken more fish than allowed. They see a wildlife officer checking all the people around them. Husband says to his wife, “we’ve got to hide these extra fish. Quick, hide a couple in your panties. They can’t look there.”
Wife says, “but what about the smell?”
Husband, “well, just plug the fish’s nose.”
There once was a lady from Cue
Who filled her vagina with glue
She said with a grin
If they paid to get in
Then they’d pay to get out of it too
My wife caught me jerking off to an optical illusion. I said, “babe it’s not what it looks like!”.
Why do gay men have mustaches?
~to hide the stretch marks~
Man and his wife are fishing and they’ve taken more fish than allowed. They see a wildlife officer checking all the people around them. Husband says to his wife, “we’ve got to hide these extra fish. Quick, hide a couple in your panties. They can’t look there.”
Wife says, “but what about the smell?”
Husband, “well, just plug the fish’s nose.”
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Girl : Timothy you motherfucking asshole !!!!
Saint : what happened my child?? Why are you behaving so rude?
Girl : Timothy came yesterday and forcibly kissed me.
*Saint forcibly kisses the girl
Saint : like this?
Girl : yes, and then he ripped my clothes apart.
*Saint rips girl’s clothes apart
Saint : like this?
Girl : yes, and then he pulled out his dick and stick right into my pussy
*Saint pulls out his dick and sticks into girl’s vagina
Saint : like this?
Girl : yes, and then he continued to fuck me until he cums in my pussy.
*Saint fucks the girl and cums into her vagina
Saint : like this?
Girl : yes, and after done fucking me he told me that he had AIDS
Saint : TIMOTHY YOU MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLE !!!!!
The bride and groom said ‘i do’ and kissed. Groom turned to his best man and says ‘hey bud, wanna go fishing?’ Best man says ok, and off they go.
Sitting by the water, poles cast out, the best man asks the groom why he isn’t at home consummating his marriage. Groom says ‘no way, she’s got gonorrhea, I aint touching that’
Best man says yikes, ‘that sucks for you, but there are other options, right..like can’t she take care of you, like, orally?’ Groom says ‘no way, she’s got pyorrhea’ (gum infection)
Best man says ‘geez that sucks for you, but desperate times and all, can’t you just roll her over and hit the back side if ya know what I mean..?’
Groom says ‘well, I would, but she’s got diarrhea, so I’m not touching that’
Best man says ‘JFC, man, that sucks! Why the hell did you even marry her?!?’
Groom says ‘well, ya know how much I love to fish… and she’s got worms’
Q: Why are Penises the lightest things in the world?
A: Even thoughts can raise them.
Q: Do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.
Q: What do you call an Italian hooker?
A: A Pasta-tute
Q: What’s the process of applying for a job at Hooters?
A: They just give you a bra and say “Here, fill this out.”
Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
A: They are both meat substitutes!
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.” Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”
A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”
A kid and his parents were walking through a park one day, and the kid sees two dogs ****ing.
“Mommy,” the kid asked,”What are the dogs doing?”
“Making cakes,” the mother replied.
The next day, the kid goes to his mom.
“Mommy, did you and daddy make cakes on the sofa last night?”
Shocked, the mother replies, “Yes, we did.”
The kid says,” I thought so. I licked the icing off of the sofa 😂.”
The only reason the term ‘Ladies first’ was invented was for the guy to check out the woman’s ass
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One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hands. The teacher says “See it’s long neck? What animal has a long neck?”
Sally holds up her hand and asks “is it a giraffe?”
“Very good Sally,’ the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students hold up their hands. “See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?”
Billy holds up his hand and says “it’s a zebra.”
“Very good Billy,” the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal.
“See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?”
Still no one guesses. “Let me give you another hint, it’s something your mother calls your father.”
Johnny shouts out “I know what it is, it’s a horny bastard!”
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off!
What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
Who’s the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.
A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn’t really ethical to screw one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said “lot’s of other doctors have sex with their patients so it’s not like you’re the first…”
This made the doctor feel a little better until still another voice in his head said, “….. but they probably weren’t veterinarians.”
This drunk staggeres into a bar, bumping into customers and spilling drinks as he makes his way to the bar. The bartender sees what is going on and is pissed at the drunk when he finally makes it to the bar.
“Get out of here!” says the bartender.
“I gotta go to the bathroom,” slurs the drunk.
“I said get outta here or I’ll throw you out!!” yells the bartender.
“I gotta go baffroom,” says the drunk and starts to drop his drawers.
“Hold on, hold on” says the bartender. “Allright, you can go to the bathroom, but afterwards get the frig out of my bar!”
The drunk agrees and stumbles off to the bathroom. After about 5 minutes, everyone hears this loud scream. Dead silence in the bar. Another loud scream from the bathroom. The bartender and a few customers run to the bathroom. There’s the drunk sitting down.
“What the heck is going on?” asks the bartender.
“I went and everytime I try to flush the toilet, it crushes my nuts!” says the drunk.
“Why, you stupid jerk!” said the bartender. “You’re sitting on my mop bucket!!”
Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
Dirty Jokes Blonde
A blond is pulled over for speeding
-Cop: can i see your drivers license please?
-Blonde: whats that?
-Cop: its that card with your picture on it
-Blonde: oh here it is
*said the blond after searchin in her purse
-Cop: and can i have your registration?
-Blond: whats that?
-Cop: its those papers saying that this is your car
-Blond: oh (searchin frantically again) here you go.
then the cop unzips his fly and takes his penis out of his pants
-blond: oh no! not another breathalyser test!
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Dirty Gay Jokes
A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked: ‘If you woke up in the
woods and scratched yOur arse and felt baseline, would you tell anyone?’ ‘OF course not!’ the guy
said. The stranger then asked: ‘IN you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom,
would you tell anyone?’ ‘Nope.’ ‘Great,’ said the stranger. ‘Fancy going camping then?!’ 😵
Q. How do gays refer to hemorrhoids?
A. Speed bumps.
I hate holding my wife’s purse in public. It never matches what I’m wearing.
How do you know you’re at a gay barbeque? Because all the hot dogs taste like shit.
Dirty Husband, Wife Jokes
What is the difference between a hooker, a girlfriend, and a wife?
The hooker says ” faster faster”
The girlfriend says ” slower slower”
The wife says ” beige………..I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige”
My Husband came home with a tube of KY jely and said, “This will make you happy tonight”. He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn’t get back in.
“I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time,” a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, “Your penis is bigger than your brother’s.”
A nude woman looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, “I
look horrible, fat and ugly. Can you please pay me a compliment?”
The husband replies, “Well, your eyesight’s excellent.”
“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled. “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
My wife caught me jerking off to an optical illusion. I said, “babe it’s not what it looks like!”
How is a picture of your wife’s vagina like a picture of fast food?
The picture makes it look better to eat than it actually is!
How are a woman’s legs like a comic book store?
You never know when they will open. You just know you’re going to love what’s inside.
Dirty Jokes – What’s the Difference
Q: Whats the difference between a prostitute and a walrus?
A: One of them is hairy and smells like fish, and the other one is a fucking walrus
Q: What is the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job still sucks.
Q: What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q: What is the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?
A: A Genealogist looks up your family tree, whereas a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.
Q: Whats the difference between a hooker and a mosquito?
A: When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking.
Q: What’s the difference between ‘Oooh!’ and ‘Aaah!’?
A: About three inches.
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